All the Feelings
I haven’t written on the blog for awhile. You know, just adjusting to pandemic quarantine, distance learning, virtually running a non-profit organization, facing stage 4 cancer, keeping track of all the zoom calls & trying to be present with my family. What’s up with you?
All the feelings
This is me - same day. Joyful & grateful. Scared & anxious. Reminding myself - none of those are bad feelings… giving myself grace to flow through them all.
I have found other means to get my feelings out – journaling, recording a series of videos, 10 Lessons in Resiliency – from Cancer to Coronavirus, and being still. But, today felt like a good day to get back on the blog.
What a bizarre time we are living in. We are on day 38 of our family staying “safer at home.” We moved from our city house to our farmhouse March 14 taking social distancing seriously, given my compromised immune system and underlying health issues. The privilege of this is something our family appreciates daily. We purchased this plot of rolling hills and a condemnable farmhouse in 2017 and spent over a year renovating and restoring it as a weekend retreat. Never realizing it would become a cocoon of safety during a global pandemic.
What started as a safe place to isolate for a couple weeks has grown into a beautiful hiatus from the busy, stressful, over scheduled life we had come accustomed to.
It’s hard to write about thankfulness, peace and beauty in the midst of tragedy around the world. I found myself pushing down my gratitude because it felt like the wrong feeling for right now. I should lean into my feelings of anxiety, overwhelm & pain. Because so many are hurting, there is so much unrest, the images where the outbreak is severe are devastating. The anger mounting in response to hard decisions is scary. I’ve cried. A lot.
But, then I remember we have permission to have all the feelings.
We shouldn’t feel badly if we are happy. It doesn’t take away your concern for a friend who is a stressed out nurse, or the worry you share with your friend whose husband lost his job. In her work on comparative suffering Brene Brown writes that, “empathy and compassion are not finite.” We don’t have to minimize our feelings because of how they compare to other people’s emotions. There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Your feelings are your feelings – and all are there to learn from and guide us.
So, today, I am happy. This bizarre moment in time has given us an unexpected, impossible before, opportunity to slow down and live a simple life on our farm. We got 30 baby chicks. We are learning to become beekeepers… Our children are (a bit begrudgingly) working hard – yardwork, cleaning, building projects. Saturday we are getting a puppy. We eat meals together every night. Our evenings are spent watching netflix together or around a fire. We haven’t spent this much time with Jay home since the children were born. His job has always involved travel.
I haven’t felt joyful all of quarantine. Oh no. I have had all the feelings. I have been scared, anxious and deeply sad missing the connection to friends. I realized how much I am invigorated by giving love and receiving love through Hope Scarves. Abruptly moving this community to a virtual platform was hard. I have been overwhelmed with the impact this will have on Hope Scarves sustainability. I have stared in disbelief at images from around the country. I have felt helpless and guilty far away from the pain. I have cried tears of gratitude for the compassion humans are showing toward each other. And, I have cringed at the anger brewing as people clash over decisions and policies. I have been frustrated with our children and their obsessive screen time. I belly laughed at their goofiness and wit. I have been annoyed, agitated and disappointed. And so much more. All the feelings.
One of the many things I have come to understand living with metastatic breast cancer is that experiencing all the feelings without judgement is critical to survival. Emotions about emotions are not productive… it just tears you up. I work hard not to judge, fix or suppress my feelings. Just feel them. And, I don’t always do a good job. But, I give myself grace to feel all of it.
We are living in an unprecedented time. For many, living in such uncertainty is a new concept and the resulting radical swings of feelings take some getting used to. In a way, living with the uncertainty of a terminal illness prepared me for the rollercoaster of feelings spurred by this pandemic. Welcome into a little bit of my bizarre world of uncertainty. Some days it’s dark. Others it is glistening with light. Most days it’s a little bit of both. All the feelings.
Feel them.
And, keep going.
Together.
“It’s ok to feel your feelings regardless of how they compare to anyone else.”
