Grit and Grace

A lot of things are hard right now.

Hard looks different for everyone. For me it’s ornery kids learning in their bedrooms instead of classrooms, watching injustice across our country, fear of a pandemic and the lack of a national plan to control it, managing a nonprofit organization with half the staff of a year ago, cancer in my left lung, and, and, and figuring out what’s for dinner tonight. Again.

I just feel on edge all the time.

There are so many more dishes and shoes around my house when my people don’t ever leave!!

And, whose idea was it to get a puppy in the pandemic? She is eating all our rugs!!

And, I lost two friends last week to metastatic breast cancer. I make many friends virtually and come to love them even though we don’t meet in person. Rhonda was a friend IRL (in real life). She lives in the small Michigan town where I grew up. I was just with her a couple weeks ago when she entered Hospice. We talked regularly. She only lived 3 1/2 years with MBC. She had the most beautiful smile. I think about how much her 15 year old daughter will miss her hugs every day. I am infuriated by her death.

I wipe away the tears because I’m used to managing stress and uncertainty. I have been living with cancer for 12 year, 6 of which have been “terminal.” But all this, right here - all this, is just heavier. Partly because our world is smaller right now so we keep bumping into our pain and fear. Which makes more pain and fear. And we can’t even escape it because we are in a pandemic and getting on a plane seems a little too scary… at least for the immuno-compromised

I feel like we’re all just a bit on edge. Always.

I wake up on edge. I breath and try to meditate. I work out in my basement , which smells of lingering puppy puddles, faintly remembering how much I loved exercising with friends in brightly lit studios. And the smoothie afterwards with casual conversation inside a cafe, not wearing a mask.

The other day I blurted out to our boys, “we need grit and grace right now.” Though I’m sure it went in one ear and out the other - I have continued to think about this.

We all need to dig deep and hold on tight. Get back up when we fall down. Be flexible and roll with things. Grit.

Love ya!

We also need to cut ourselves and each other some slack. Take a deep breath. Try again. Feel our feelings without avoiding the emotions that feel uncomfortable. Grace.

Grit and Grace.

Life is tough. Especially right now.

But, this is our one shot at this. We won’t get these days back. So, each day I do my best to live with intention and spread kindness and love. Especially for myself and my family. Which, for me is the hardest. I am always more hopeful and kind to the community outside my circle. I’m raw and broken and short tempered with my family, those I feel the most comfortable with. Aren’t we all? I mean could they just put the dirty clothes in the basket? Is that too much to ask?

Grit and Grace

Tonight I went for a run/walk. (I wish I could say I went for a run.) It started that way, but my compromised lungs and sore joints made it more of a walk. (Grace) As I was walking I tripped on a root and slid on the muddy trail. Falling pretty ungracefully flat on my face. I laid there for a second then got back up. And kept going. (Grit). Instead of being disappointed in my clumsiness and frustrated with how much my athleticism has declined - I took a deep breath and thought about how lucky I am to to be strong enough to walk because just a couple weeks ago my chemo side effects made even this impossible. (Grace… not graceful. Just grace). I hobbled another 4 miles, muddy. (Grit).

It’s all a balancing act. Sometimes we fall. And sometimes it’s muddy.

But we get back up and keep going. Because life is for living and loving!

Even in a pandemic.